Hello. I'm Donnie Fairbanks the title character of this story and I'm not happy about it.

For more than the obvious reasons. Yes it's true. I used to be a 6'3” pile of muscle and charm with an insatiable libido and a smile that got me all the tail I could ever want. Thanks to this stupid 150 year old curse I'm stuck as a five foot nothing blonde with an overbite and no penis, until I get knocked up and birth the next generation of body swappers. I went from standing to pee to dealing with PMS; from manspreading to getting mansplained to. But that is NOT why I'm unhappy being the title character.

It's the title.

“The Ex-Boy Friend” is all wrong. First of all I am an Ex-Man, not an Ex-Boy. But Marvel or Fox or Hugh Jackman might sue us if we go with the former. Second. I know there's a difference between a boyfriend and a boy who is a friend, but it seems like we're splitting hairs here people. I had plenty of friends when I was a boy … man. You know what I mean. I had to become a woman to become anyone's boyfriend.

It's a long story.

Which is why I looked for a supposedly professional writer to tell it. I should never have said yes to the first rando to respond to my ad. That's how Taedis got involved in the project. The title was his idea. Also that cutesy thing where he tossed “EX” words in front of each chapter title. He thinks he's being clever.

Is it too late to get Sally Bend? She wouldn't put up with crap like that.

In any event this is the the story of how I lost my penis and found my heart. Taedis made me say that. Doesn't that sound like something dredged from the bottom of your grandad's porn stash?

Speaking of porn. I've been told to warn people about the adult content in this book. Personally I think this isn't any worse than any other rom com.

Aside from the swearing. There's a lot of that.

And the time someone got their peter punched.

And what he did to deserve that punch.

I suppose I do masturbate a couple times in there.

And I did give Amanda head. But that was only because my willy was stuck in a chastity belt so we couldn't screw. When I still had a willy.

The term “man puddle” sounds bad. And it is, but it's not what you're thinking.

On second thought we are way worse than most rom coms. If any of what I just said offends you or you're a kid avoid this book.

Otherwise, enjoy my happily ever after.

Cover art by Ryald666

Special thanks to Sally Bend